Rothesay — All was fine for Adam Brewer and his pet goats until Rothesay Mayor Nancy Grant, who alerted police of the animals’ presence, claimed the goats to be Satan-worshiping beasts.
Grant tells us she witnessed the two goats practising satanic rituals in Brewer’s back yard.
“I was dusting my antique chifforobe when I saw them through the window,” the mayor told us. “The goats were tramping around the backyard, spilling pigs’ blood, and shouting in tongues. We have no place for that in Rothesay. We aren’t that kind of community. And if they don’t like it, they can move to Saint John.”
When police arrived to the scene, there was no evidence of satanic practices, but Grant swears it’s true — and now the goats have to go.
“If it were just two goats it wouldn’t be a big deal — I’m very open-minded,” continued the mayor. “But satanic goats? That is where I need to draw the line. Rothesay is the kind of place that can’t jeopardize self-image…You wouldn’t understand.”
When we interviewed Brewer, he claimed the goats are harmless. “They’re just goats. I have no idea what she’s talking about. They’re goats.”
This isn’t the first time Rothesay has been the focus of such small debates in the news. In recent years the town has butted heads with food truck proprietors, and hockey players in the local Commons rink. Grant says she was behind all the complaints. “It’s what got me elected. I don’t like to start trouble but they were all Satanists. It was throwing off everybody’s chi. It’s really just a Rothesay thing.”
While the town is still in an uproar over the goats, Brewer continues to accumulate signatures from neighbours to try and keep his pets. “They’re a part of the family at this point. I don’t want to see them go, and they certainly aren’t satanic. You can ask the man who sold them to me.”
Manatee staff drove to Woodstock to interview Phillip Sankey, who originally sold Brewer the goats. Sankey claims the goats aren’t satanic, and suggests Rothesay “take a chill-pill.”
“I know I live in the woods,” Sankey said, “I know I’m married to my sister, and yes, occasionally, I huff my own fecal matter through a funnel. But even after all that, I’m still only half as ridiculous as Rothesay.”