Saint John — As Fredericton continues to see rising flood levels, Saint John, New Brunswick’s self-proclaimed “second capital,” has begun taking measures to celebrate its “impeccable” dryness over its sister city.
“We really don’t have much to lord over Fredericton,” said Patrica Trainor, loyal Saint John resident. “Finally, though, we have this. I think it’s great.”
The city began highlighting its dryness on Monday by giving everyone in the city a small pink hand towel, embroidered with the city’s initials, which they urged citizens to carry around with them as they moved about town.
City officials have also taken major legislative steps against wetness in the city, closing the Canada Games Aquatic Centre, making spitting a fineable offence, and officially encouraging young children to cry over spilled milk.
To reflect these changes, and to commemorate the city’s newfound commitment to aridity, the city has once again changed their official social media hashtag from #SaintAwesome to #SaintDry. The general consensus being that it’s still probably better than Mel Norton’s #RenaissanceCity.
Just this morning, further developments were being made to the uptown area, as city workers began laying sand down on King Street while stalemated cars furiously honked behind them.
“It comes directly from the Atacama Desert. Driest landmass on the face of the Earth,” explained the foreman, scratching his neck and checking his watch. “Just shipped it in this morning — YOU’RE MISSING THE ENTIRE LEFT SIDE OF THE SIDEWALK, BOYS, SMARTEN UP! — We’re just trying to keep this city safe. Keep it dry.”
The majority of these actions were taken on the initiative of Saint John’s Mayor, Don Darling. When The Manatee arrived at his office, Darling sat, glass in hand, waving a blow-dryer over his already moistureless hair.
“The only thing dryer than Saint John,” he opined, smirking and brandishing his glass, “is our martinis.”
Aides to the mayor say that Darling has been given to these extended bouts of “dry wit” since the weekend. While they claim it to be spontaneous, the prevailing rumour is that he has employed training from local comedian James Mullinger.
“I like James. I’ve often said that he is the Bill Cosby of Saint John,” said Darling, as the curtains behind him cried out “What?!” in a British accent. “But my clever wordplay is strictly my own…like, uh, my martini. Which is quite dry, I assure you.”
As Saint John continues to taunt the the displaced citizens of Fredericton with their dryness, this Manatee reporter can only pray that karma truly exists.
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