Saint John — New Brunswick’s Port City has finally had enough of all these damned cars. After introducing several new parking initiatives, Council have unanimously voted to vandalize all cars found parking uptown.
“We think of it like this,” said Matt Flowers, operations manager at the Saint John Parking Commission. “If we wanted to exert pressure on human beings, we would break their kneecaps.”
The council nodded in assent.
“So, when we want to change people’s parking habits, we must take a similar approach to their cars.”
Flowers’s proposal, which has been all but officially approved, is to find cars parked outside of a parking garage, and smash their headlights with a tire iron.
“All of our current employees will be laid off in favour of hiring a ragtag group of meter goons, who, let me assure you, will show no mercy,” he said.
Opponents of the measure contend that it will de-incentivize people from travelling to, and shopping uptown.
“This city has never made its money off prosperity,” said Deputy Mayor Shirley McAlary, dismissing this argument. “Too complicated. Gouging the poor is always the path of least resistance.”
“My work won’t provide me with a parking pass, but I living paycheque to paycheque, I cannot afford space in a parking garage,” one concerned citizen in the audience said.
“We hear these concerns, and we have several suggestions,” said Flowers. “First, we suggest putting a heavy stone on your gas pedal, and letting it drive into the river. Alternatively, you can also stick a rag into your gas tank and set it on fire. That way, you can collect the insurance money and pay the additional parking fees.”
“But then won’t I be left with no car to park in the first place?” asked the citizen.
“That’s right,” said Flowers, with a polite nod. “You get the idea.”