Saint John — The most successful NB Liquor store in Saint John is set to close its doors for good next Saturday. And, rather than waiting for 6 or more weeks for the new location to open, it seems that locals are instead turning to illicit hooch to wet their proverbial whistles.
To discuss how the Saint John Police would be handling the situation, Chief John Bates called for a press conference early Saturday morning in city hall.
“We’ve been keeping tabs on these guys for a while now,” said Bates. “There have been anonymous reports of bases in Fredericton as well, and we’re working in conjunction with their police force to bring down these peddlers of cheap swill.”
Bates explained that the moonshiners made several different mixes for their product, and ascribed street names such as “Foxtail Amber” or “Plaid to the Bone” to each respective batch.
“This and a great deal more information on the brewers has been gathered by our Intel,” Bates said, patting Officer Intel’s oversized head as she beamed proudly. “We’re confident that we will now be able to build a solid case against the bootleggers.”
He then informed the press gallery that the police would conduct a secret raid on the moonshiner’s location that night, and that everybody could come along, so long as they were cool and didn’t blab about it.
Everyone met outside the Queen Street location at the agreed-upon time, bearing coffee and donuts to share amongst themselves. At 9 a.m. sharp, Bates asked everybody to quiet down, counted to 3 on his fingers, and then signalled for his men to kick open the door.
The property manager was only able to say: “Hello, welcome to Picaroo–” before taking the butt of a rifle to the teeth. Patrons ran screaming from the building as shots were fired recklessly into the ceiling.
Amid the mayhem Bates stood atop a table, laughing wildly and sipping from a 64oz growler.