Saint John — After much deliberation, it was ultimately decided that the government of New Brunswick would be renewing its contract with multinational food service organization Shartwells to continue serving literal shit in Saint John school cafeterias.
“There has been some constructive conversations on how to improve our service to your schools. But overall, we hope to continue our current standard of shit-slinging,” the company said in a written statement.
The company has stated that, at first, the food only had a small amount of fecal matter mixed in, to “pad out” the relatively scant meals. But, over time, the poo content increased from a paltry 5 percent to a full 100 percent. They claim this gradual progression was made only to meet the fiduciary needs of the district.
“Look, to put it plainly, we’re on a pretty strict budget,” said district superintendent Bradley Willard. “So, at the end of the day, we just gotta take what we can get.”
It remains something of a mystery as to how Shartwells is able to quickly acquire and distribute shit in such high volume.
“It’s not really up to our department to inquire about where the shit actually comes from or how it is processed,” said Willard. “We have a regulatory body that does that.”
He clarified: “We are quite confident that it is Grade A, locally sourced excrement.”
In the past, the district has raised the possibility of partnering with other companies, but so far nothing has come of it.
“We were thinking of striking a deal with Java Moose to serve their beverages in the high schools,” he added, taking a deep sip from a tall glass of urine. “But, you know…it’s the same difference, really.”
Does the district have a response to some parents’ charge that the food will make their kids sick?
“Yes, yes, I’ve heard this one before,” said Willard, impatiently. “But listen, if the kid vomits — bam — there’s dessert. No extra charge.”
Willard says that he doesn’t understand why there is so much opposition to working with Shartwells.
“Honestly, I’m surprised to hear that people are so adverse to the idea,” he mused, wearing a puzzled expression. “Those same people have been telling me to ‘eat shit’ ever since I took up this position!”