Saint John wants to pave parking lots, put up a paradise

Saint John wants to pave parking lots, put up a paradise

Saint John — The City of Saint John continues to fight city developers over their unregistered, privately owned lots that charge roughly half of what the municipally owned Peel Plaza garage does for a monthly pass. City officials now say that if they are able to successfully seize these lots, they will put “something really cool” in their place.

In a response to a completely unrelated email, city spokesperson Deborah Milan said that she could “neither confirm nor deny the rumour that the Disney corporation has expressed interest in using that space to build a theme park. If it, y’know, ever freed up.”

The city council hopes to spread the message that shutting down the unregistered parking lots would not only be beneficial for the city in saving face over massive overspending on the Peel Plaza parking garage, but would also be advantageous for the overall well-being of the community.

“Saint Johners need to understand something,” said Coun. Gary Lee in a statement to the press last week. “This space, which is currently housing illegal… and… and illicit parking lots, could instead be used to build a mental hospital… for crippled puppies. With smallpox.”SaintJohn2

Since this statement was released the city has received a great deal of support, particularly from forward-thinking college students who feel it is far more important to eradicate the smallpox epidemic in the insane crippled puppy community than for the local population of predominately white males to have a more “convenient” place to park. A small group of concerned youths took to the streets this morning to protest the owners of the private lots.

“I, um, think that it’s totally messed up that these people care more about a couple dollars than they do about the physical and mental well-being of our animal population,” said UNB student Jeffrey Clemmons, holding a sign bearing the words “park this” printed over a crudely drawn rendering of a middle finger.

Clemmons and his cohorts continued to rally on for several hours today until around 10:30 a.m., when their cars were towed away over numerous municipal parking violations.

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