North Pole — While he’s been busy deciding who is naughty or nice lately, Santa Claus says that he remains undecided about the new carbon tax plan discussed in Ottawa last week.
While providing a framework to reduce emissions and promote environmentally friendly energy generation, Santa says that the Trudeau government’s plan is completely silent on tax changes for his primary source of transportation — reindeer.
“Sure, everyone thinks it’s ‘magical’ when the presents show up under their tree,” lectured Claus, waving his hands in the air like a sorcerer. “But the truth is that magic is powered by the digestion of reindeer chow. Anyone who spends time with ruminant animals like cows and deer can tell you that those animals produce a lot of manure.
“I run this whole operation as a non-profit,” he explained. “Not only do I deliver presents using reindeer, but I use reindeer to ship raw materials for toys to the North Pole as well. If the impact of the carbon tax is too significant, I will need to start scaling back Christmas toy delivery in Canada — starting with the Atlantic region and gradually moving westward.”
Environmentalists are judging Santa’s comments harshly, denouncing him as a climate change denier. “Nonsense!” he declared. “I live on a frickin’ sheet of ice, for Rudolph’s sake! Trust me, I’m pretty worried about a warming climate. That said, if Justin starts taxing every methane toot that comes out of Blitzen’s bum, we’ve got a problem.”
Claus is also interested in the future of burning coal. “I live in the Arctic circle, OK — and it’s frickin’ cold. I import literally tonnes of coal to heat my toy factories and also to put in the stockings of bad children. What will happen there? Besides, if we get rid of coal, what will we use for snowman eyes?”
Claus says he is willing to work with the government to reduce the harm of his reindeers’ carbon footprint. “Look, I’m willing to make sure every reindeer working for me has a ‘Santa hat’ on his tail and bum at all times.
“I want everyone to know that Santa is completely in favour of capping those emissions.”