With the weather already making headlines in 2015, the coming months could turn out to be the coldest of recent years. Many New Brunswickers, however, may not know how to handle such harsh winter conditions. Fortunately, The Manatee is here to help. We’ve compiled 6 rules that, if followed, will get you through the frosty season without so much as a sneeze.
1. Anything over -15°C isn’t cold.
A buddy of mine once walked to the bar wearing nothing but a T-shirt and jeans in -35°C weather because he didn’t want to get robbed at coat-check. I asked him if he was cold. He told me he’d been colder chopping wood on the Barnaby River; -15°C might as well be summer.
2. Don’t wear gloves …
… or worse, mittens! If your hands get cold, just stick ’em in the pockets of your jeans like a real New Brunswicker.
3. Don’t exercise.
Jumping jacks, running on the spot or any other “trick” to get the blood pumping doesn’t warm your body. It makes you look like an idiot. Just stand still and curse under your breath while your fingers turn blue.
4. No age is too young for a nip of whiskey.
Nothing cures the shivers like a nip of whiskey. Give some to your kids and watch their frozen tears melt away.
5. Don’t complain.
Shut your mouth, ignore the shivering and try not to spill your coffee. If you’re going to complain about winter in New Brunswick, move to Toronto. They don’t have winter there.
6. But if you have to complain, be vulgar as hell.
If you have the energy and the patience to be polite when you complain, you don’t really have to complain. A real complaint is not complete until it offends at least 4 people. Here’s some for your arsenal:
“It’s so cold, my n*pples are rock hard!”
“My b*lls are frozen together!”
“If you kissed my a** your lips would get stuck!”
“F*ck, it’s cold!” (my personal favourite)
So whether you’re new to the province or are just looking to brush up on weather protection, be sure to follow these rules until the weather warms up for about a month in July.