St. George — A firestorm of speculation was unleashed yesterday when a Main Street resident left several suitcases in their driveway for no apparent reason. The luggage sat outside of the residence belonging to David and Moria Blakney starting in the morning, remaining there for the entire day and into the evening.
The vexing valises became the talk of the town, with all manner of explanations being debated in the living rooms and coffee shops around the Southwestern New Brunswick town.
“This commotion is ridiculous,” said lifelong resident Ralph Burton. “They are obviously out there to be donated or to be picked up with the garbage later this week. That said, if they are trying to get rid of them, I could probably get a few bucks for them on Kijiji. I’m going to keep an eye on the situation and see if they are still out there after dark.”
“The Beckers’ German Shepherd seems awfully interested in those suitcases,” observed Edith Whittaker. “You know, those dogs are very good at sniffing out illegal drugs at airports and such. I’m not sure if it’s a natural talent or they need some sort of training though. I just find it very interesting, that’s all. That dog sniffed around those bags for a good 10 to 15 minutes I think.”
“I heard that Moria caught David getting texted by some woman from St. Stephen that he met online,” confided neighbour Judy McTavish. “When David drove off to meet her, Moria packed up his stuff and put it in the driveway. Then she texted him that the locks were changed and she hopes he’s very happy with his blankety-blank in St. Stephen! The St. Stephen woman is a former stripper, or that’s what I was told by someone from down there who said that she thinks she knows who she is.”
“I texted Jessica [Moria and David’s daughter] in Fredericton to say how sorry I was to hear about her parents’ divorce,” said former classmate Tabitha Stiles. “I haven’t really spoken to her since graduation from Fundy High, so hopefully that wasn’t too forward. She didn’t answer back, so I guess she didn’t want to talk about it… or maybe she didn’t know? Oops.”
After hearing rumours of everything ranging from the improbable to the obscene, the St. George RCMP was dispatched to investigate the mysterious suitcases. After examining the luggage for DNA or possibly illegal contents, the officers knocked on the door and found that the Blakneys were not at home. Unfortunately, the presence of the RCMP on the scene only heightened the rampant speculation resulting in a thick crowd forming around the Blakney homestead.
Around 9 p.m. the Blakneys returned home, weaving their way through the crowd in their driveway, and completely befuddled by the commotion. “The luggage was damp from the basement, so I put it outside in the sun before we left for Fredericton to visit Jessica!” yelled David Blakney. “Will you people please mind your own goddamned business and get off my effing property?”
“I can’t believe David’s temper,” marvelled a neighbour who wished to remain anonymous. “Did you see the way he flew off the handle and almost attacked people? I’m really worried about what he may be capable of when people aren’t watching. Everyone is going to be keeping a closer eye on him from now on,” she vowed.