Fredericton — Look a few more times before crossing the street this April. Minister of Public Safety Bill Hogan announced that speed limits on the road will be removed across the province by the end of the month.
“While this move will cause deaths, our analysis found that it is mostly children, seniors and sick people, so we’re good,” Hogan said from the safety of the legislative assembly. “There will be one exception and that’s King Street.”
Opposition Leader Roger Melanson questioned why the exception was necessary. Hogan was quick to reply.
“Our parking lot is across the street. I want to get home safely. Don’t you? And as of the end of the month, a hell of a lot faster!” said Hogan, followed by revving engine sounds and applause from both sides of the floor, except Green Party Leader David Coon who was totally bumming the vibe.
“This is insane. Don’t we care about preventing the loss of life anymore?” asked Coon.
“No,” responded Health Minister Dorothy Shepherd. “Unless you’re talking about abortion, then all life is precious. Public Health supports me on that.”
Chief Medical Officer Jennifer Russell would not provide comment, but even if she did, that trust is gone anyway, so whatever.
Road safety advocates are furious with the decision. In an interview, avid walking hobbyist Carol Holder told The Manatee, “Walking isn’t a hobby. We literally have to do it to get anywhere.”
Asked why she doesn’t drive instead, Holder responded, “Cars are expensive and a leading source of greenhouse gas emissions. Don’t we care about climate change anymore?”
Hogan also announced that RCMP will be hired to patrol the neighbourhoods of fellow MLAs. “Some will think this selective safety measure is selfish. I would remind those keyboard warriors they have the personal freedom to hire their own security. Thank you, truckers.”
The house then adjourned to watch Mad Max in the Legislative Assembly. Outside visitors were not invited.