PART TWO: CREATING A POSITIVE WORK ENVIRONMENT
Okay, so let’s say that you’ve gotten your dream job. It could be with Irving, or, it could be with one of Irving’s various subsidiaries (no judgment!).
It is exciting, sure, but it can be nerve-racking as well. You must quickly learn to adapt to the business environment. Which, like the actual environment, was debilitated by Baby Boomers and destroyed by Millennials.
It is therefore that I feel the need to lay out how an effective office ought to operate in this day and age. Allow me to answer these primary concerns in rapid succession, so that we may use these basic building blocks to support our understanding in subsequent chapters.
Ready? Here we go:
Sick Days: I mean, they’re kind of like mini-vacations, right? Either way, that’s how I’m marking them down.
Worker’s Comp: You can’t solve stupid by throwing money at it.
Dating in the Workplace: Never proposition a subordinate employee, unless she (or he!) is dressed really slutty.
Picking Up the Check: Taking a “phone call” outside is the perfect cover for an easy dine-and-dash.
Christmas Bonuses: Did you not see the jar of free candy canes in the break room?
Affirmative Action: I don’t know what that is.
Nicknames: Ah! One of my favourite bits of co-worker interaction. In my experience, it’s best to keep them simple. Try singling out the first thing you notice about a person, and use that. For example, I’ve coined a few gems using this method myself over the years, such as “Wheelchair Jan,” “Gross Mole Meredith” and “Black Guy Eddie.”
Breastfeeding: Yes, please! Ha ha!…Seriously, though, knowing what I do about the female anatomy, I see no reason why you can’t wait until after work to “pump.”
Lunch Breaks: If you need more than 15 minutes to run down to the office vending machine and back, then clearly we need an office gym.
Office Gym: Are you crazy?!
Promotions: There’s a cork board in the kitchen for you to advertise all your little podcasts and spin classes.
That’s Not What I Meant: I know what you meant.
Sexual Harassment: In the case of sexual harassment, the responsibility falls squarely on management. It is imperative that they do their due diligence and determine just how funny the joke was.
Workplace Attire: There are only three acceptable designs for a necktie: holiday-themed, sports team logo, and blue. For women, no skirt should be more than six inches from the knee…Hey, y’wanna see what six inches looks like? [See Above.]
Casual Fridays: Only day in which red neckties are acceptable.
Holidays: Oh, you want Victoria Day off? Why, did you know her personally?
Working Late: Hey, it happens.
Leaving Early: It never happens.
Overtime Pay: Time is relative.
I think that covers the basics for how an effective organization runs. Of course, not every business is run the same way. Then again, a lot of businesses fail.
So, unless you want to get shit-canned, or have that rinky-dink startup of yours fold, then you should check out my next installment of Staying In Your Blaine, in which we discuss Managing Employees.