PART ONE: SUCKING UP
Allow me to be the first to say it: sucking up is vastly underrated in the world of business. I’m not just talking about fellatio either (granted, I’m not not talking about it), but instead the entire spectrum of overpraising, hobnobbing and brown-nosing that will allow you to deliver your resumé to the top of the pile.
Some organizations occasionally announce that they are interested in “shaking things up.” They aren’t. Despite what they might tell you, the only way a company’s top brass are interested in “new blood” is if it’s siphoned directly from the veins of an eight-year-old into their liver-spotted arms.
No, what they want is a subordinate and eager young upstart looking to suckle at their teat, absorbing all that they are so that when they are ready to pass down their role, they are able to do so to a candidate that will seek to preserve their static, unwavering business philosophy for yet another generation.
I’d be remiss not to mention that there were few teats as supple as those possessed by my mentor, K.C. Irving. And no other milk tasted as sweet.
It is here that I would like to talk a little bit about the early days of my study under Mr. Irving. Ours was like any other mentor/apprentice relationship: Mr. Miyagi and Danny, Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker, Hitler and Himmler…Wait, scratch that last one.
As with most things in life, I started small. At first, Mr. Irving would ask me to perform simple, everyday tasks for him, such as preparing his breakfast, clipping his nails and wiping his ass…But, through wit, persistence and ingenuity, I was able to parlay those menial chores into responsibilities like preparing his meetings, clipping his budgets, and wiping…well, you always have to keep in touch with your roots.
The first thing that I have to tell you on the subject of sucking up is to leave your dignity at the door. You won’t need it. In fact, any sense of self-respect should be considered a hindrance, and suppressed at all costs. There is no self-respect because there is no “self.” You don’t exist. You’re nothing. You’re dog shit.
You must come to each position as an empty vessel. The company will fill you with everything that you need to know.
“Hold on a minute,” you might be thinking. “Don’t businesses value experience and determination?”
No, they don’t. And if you were told differently, then you probably went to arts school and should stay behind the counter of Starbucks where you belong. 
Politics are no different. Do you think I got where I am because of my strongly held political beliefs? Hell no! I got here by doing and saying as I was told.
That’s right. I “Yes Sir’d” my way to the top, and you can too. So-called “Yes Men” get a bad rap in the media, but not only is it the definitive Jim Carrey movie, but it is also the greatest key to your success.
By starting small, keeping your dumbass mouth shut, and gluing your eyes to the ground, you might just be able to look up in 10 years and find you’ve somehow become the Director of Logistics and Distribution for the biggest corporation in the province. That’s what I did!
But what happens when you finally do find yourself in a position of power? How do you take control of an office after years of subservience? To find out, continue on to the next chapter of Staying in Your Blaine for my tips on how to maintain an efficient, positive work environment.
Incidentally, my self-help guide You Don’t Exist. You’re Nothing. You’re Dog Shit is available in stores now.