Fredericton — St. Thomas University announced Thursday that they are raising to cost of enrollment by $363 yearly, despite an order from Finance Minister Roger Melanson to freeze tuition rates. With their flagrant disregard for the laws set by the provincial government, the university is recreating itself as a lawless educational commune.
Many of the professors and administration expressed their enthusiasm for this change, since the majority of them have always held anarchistic beliefs and have professed anti-governmental sentiment anyway. They appear to be confident that they are ready to meet the demands of becoming an uncivilized, independent community.
“With a Subway, Tim Hortons and a cafeteria already on campus,” said professor and newly officiated high-priest Matthew McReed, “it is clear that we are all set to have a self-sustaining little commune right here at the university.”
St. Thomas plans to have its so-called “students” stay in residences that are divided into tribes based on their religion, gender and economic standing. These include the Vanier Tribe, the Harrington Tribe and the Ancient Society of the Holy Cross.
“I don’t mind paying the extra $363,” said Gina, a starry-eyed student at the university, “so long as it brings me closer to The Almighty One.”
The Almighty One, President Dawn A. Russell, held a speech this morning in the university courtyard. She approached the podium to enthusiastic applause, draped in her crimson-coloured ceremonial robes. She held up her arms to indicate to her followers that she needed peace, and then shortly, she began:
“People,” she declared, “I am here today to announce a new era, here in St. Thomas. We are a proud people, and we are a strong people. We do not need a governing state to tell us what we can and cannot do. Our little commune is proficient and self-sustaining. Every year we are turning out new teachers, artists and journalists. With these people and this skill-set, we have all that we need to create our own utopian society.”
This speech was met with a deafening roar from the audience, which then morphed into a terrifying rhythmic chant.
“Russell!” they cried. “Russell! Russell!”
Suddenly, toward the back, a single hand was raised. This prompted more than 100 heads to turn sharply, in order to get a clear look at this lone inquisitor — a young woman of 19 with a benign countenance and soft, nervous voice.
“What about doctors, lawyers, engineers and computer programmers?” the woman asked.
“Shut up,” replied Russell.