STU to transform chapel, most lecture halls into cafeterias

Fredericton — St. Thomas University™ has recently announced a plan to move its centrally located chapel to expand the campus’s main meal hall. Construction crews commissioned by the university’s administration have already begun tearing down the pews and stained-glass windows to make way for more deep-fryers and salad bars.

The Manatee learned in early December of a committee at STU™ meeting to discuss moving the Catholic university’s chapel to an empty off-campus dorm room, and transforming the chapel into an extension of the already-large cafeteria. Not only that, but many of the hallowed lecture spaces at STU™ are being torn down and remodelled as brand-new Tim Hortons©, Wendy’s®, A&W™ and other popular food vendors.

The corporations have shelled out big bucks for space on the small campus. “It’s all in the name of progress,” said an unnamed committee member. “We’re trying to draw students to the university, and the last thing we want are more pictures of that stuffy place of worship in our brochures. Reports show that most photos on social media are of food, not books. Students aren’t coming to learn these days — they’re coming to eat, and to eat well.”

The seemingly unanimous decision is being lauded by current students as exceptionally forward-thinking. “The school’s slogan is ‘Think for Yourself,'” said Misty Harris, a second-year psychology student. “We’ve had enough of priests and Catholicism in general telling us what to think here at STU™.”

“She’s right,” said third-year criminology student Evan Murray after taking a slurp from his Pepsi©. “At least big food corporations don’t shove any kind of message down our throats. I think I speak for the whole student body when I say we’re done with religion, and ready to make way for capitalist advancement.”

Where 10-foot-tall banners depicting eager young scholars used to billow in the wind, towering advertisements for food giants such as Subway© and McDonald’s® will greet visitors to the campus.

The school’s slogan is being changed to “Gotta have my STU™!”

UPDATE: STU™ Dining Services has released the new dining hall menu: