Fredericton — A recent study conducted by the University of New Brunswick statistics department found that a majority of unemployed males in the province have been displaced into a group now referred to as “Chads.” The study revealed that Chads now represent 60 percent of males aged 19-31, and that the young men spend their time exclusively searching for a “chill place” to fill their growlers.
“Chads are everywhere,” said Dr. Silvia Paxton, who piloted the study.
“If you’re not careful, you could end up being caught in a conversation with them. They go on and on about every beer, cider or mead they’ve tried and ask you each time, ‘Have you tried it?’ and add, ‘Man, you’ve got to.’ It could turn into a crisis for the summer of 2017.”
Sal Columbo owns and operates an all-night Needs Convenience. He claims that Chads have been having a negative impact on his business.
“They come in late, after the microbreweries close. They stick their growlers under the slushy machine and say, ‘Bro! Is it cool if I fill my growler here?’ One time I tried saying no, but then they all crowded me at once and said, ‘Dude, be chill.’”
Columbo was suddenly in tears. “I was afraid for my life.”
Chad Renford participated as a subject in Dr. Paxton’s study. He agreed to be interviewed by The Manatee on the condition that staff listen to each of the brews he has tried over the past two months and publish the exploits in full.
“So there’s Rat Boner, that’s a cider, pretty sweet. You’ve got Dirt Brew; technically its a blonde ale, but my bros and I tried it and we were all like, ‘nah, man…nah.’ There was Leprosy Hand, dude have you tried that? Apparently the brew-master is dying of leprosy so it’s like, only available for a limited time, and it’s actually a super sessionable saison. You better get on that. Dooryard, obviously. Let’s see, the other day I tried Mint Diarrhea for the first time. The mint part was really good, and the mouthfeel is not at all what you’d expect for a chocolate porter. There’s Barrel-Aged Bygone Era, apparently that’s made from all the vials of beard oil that didn’t sell when that craze dropped off. Pretty good, but I wouldn’t try it again. Golden Retriever Blood, that’s a British red IPA. Dude, have you tried that? My buddy has it on cask at his place, and you can’t get it anywhere else. Then there’s Monkey Skull kettle-soured ale…it’s too sour to drink unless you’ve burned your tastebuds out with heavy west-coast IPAs all day, which you totally gotta do sometime. Have you tried gruit, by the way? Not many people have.”
Renford then informed Manatee staff that he received a text from his friend Chad informing him that a new beer with “crazy dank hop character” was available at Trailway and that he had to head to the north side as soon as possible.