Sussex Drive-In livestreams your father’s colonoscopy as ‘premium event’

Sussex Drive-In livestreams your father’s colonoscopy as ‘premium event’

Sussex — With movie theatres across the country just now beginning to reopen, one would think that this would have been a banner year for drive-ins. 

“You would think so, yeah,” said Don Monahan, co-owner of the Sussex Drive-In. “However, due to the pandemic, there are no new movies to show, so we’ve been forced to host older movies, and frankly, there is only so many times a person can watch last year’s live-action Aladdin remake.

“Two times,” he added, after a moment. “A person can watch it two times.”

Because of the recent content drought, the business has turned to “premium events” to help boost attendance. These have included live concerts and stand-up performances. Unfortunately, these come at a higher cost to the Drive-In, which significantly limits their options.

This is why, after several weeks of internal discussions and number-crunching, the business decided to host your father’s live colonoscopy last weekend.

“Considering the cost, it was either this or a Nickelback concert from 2010,” said Monahan, with a shrug. “We figured this would draw more people.”

The event cost attendees $30 a carload, and, by 7:30 Sunday night, the first few cars began rolling in, quickly filling the venue. By 9 p.m., the sun had set, and the show began.

“Ooooos” and “ahhhhs” could be heard from several vehicles while, onscreen, the camera eased its way into your dad’s rectum.

Concession sales, Monahan reports, were at an all-time low.

The Manatee contacted your father this morning to inquire as to how he felt about the public livestream of his private medical procedure.

“They what!?” he cried indignantly.

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