New Brunswick — Fans of Target are in mourning today as word spread that the U.S. discount retailer will be pulling out of Canada after only 2 years of shaky sales and dismal financial reports.
Target CEO Brian Carver visited the Fredericton, N.B. outlet this afternoon, and issued the following statement to the press and angry onlookers: “Unfortunately, we are unable to foresee a scenario in which we turn a profit in the next decade. It seems that selling exactly what the Walmart just down the road sells — but for a higher cost — was not in our best interests.”
“We’re planning to withdraw from Canada fully by mid-2015, and concentrate on the American market, which is saturated with similar stores and products, but which somehow manages to stay afloat,” he went on, ignoring the scowls of the cashiers and customers. “Really, Canadians should consider it a compliment that we’re leaving — we weren’t able to trick you into paying more for the very same shit peddled down the road. Americans, on the other hand, will buy anything as long as it’s surrounded by bright-red logos and the illusion of quality.”
Many New Brunswick Target fans were quick to voice their dismay. “Shopping at Target made me feel just a little better about my position in life, compared to when I used to shop at Walmart,” said Tammy Reed, 31. “I was happy to pay 4 or 5 bucks more for a pack of toilet paper, just so long as no one saw me carting it out of the dirty old Regent Mall Walmart.”
“I felt like things were finally starting to look up in this province when I heard we were getting a Target,” said Brad Cornell, 42. “My wife used to buy all my jeans and work boots at Walmart, and they’d fall apart in a month. With Target, they still fell apart in a month — don’t get me wrong — but I was proud that I had the kind of wife who’d want our family to seem a bit more stylish.”
Target will be retaining its Canadian workforce until July, when it will be laying off more than 6,500 employees nationwide. “I think they’re always hiring over at Walmart, though,” added Carver reassuringly.