Plaster Rock — American hard-rock musician Ted Nugent is used to the roar of the audiences at his sold-out shows, and he seems equally at home amid the bustle and noise at the 10,000-square-foot warehouse of BearCocksRock!.com, his new export startup based in rural Northwestern New Brunswick.
The “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” songsmith guided The Manatee through the facility during peak business hours. Workers rush to fill orders as forklifts zoom along aisles of shelves piled high with crate after crate of a seldom-exploited local resource — penis bones, or baculums, taken from the black bears that roam New Brunswick’s woodlands.
In a workshop adjoining the warehouse, craftsmen are busy whittling baculums into keychains, earrings and dozens of other products, all engraved with Nugent’s signature. The finished merchandise, amounting to thousands of bear penis bones every week, is then flown out to retailers all over the world from the company’s private airstrip.
A manly pursuits enthusiast and proponent of willfully stupid right-wing malarkey, Nugent got the idea for the business during a recent hunting trip to New Brunswick on which he shot a bear, stabbed a raccoon and slapped a chickadee for “having a girly voice.”
“We got back to the lodge and the guide showed me this shed he had just stuffed with bear penis bones and gallbladders. Now, the Nuge has handled a lot of penis bones in his day, and these New Brunswick bear penis bones weren’t no lily-livered, tree-huggin’ Occupy-Wall-Street penis bones. I knew right then we were gonna get a stranglehold on some man-sized money,” Nugent said.
Encouraged by the provincial Department of Natural Resources’ lax enforcement of wildlife protection laws and backed by the vast stream of royalty revenue from his catalogue of screechy, knuckleheaded songs about cars and pussy, Nugent went straight to work to make his bear penis bone business dream a reality. He hired several of New Brunswick’s many unemployed IT wizards to handle the Internet retail side of the business, and quickly attracted candidates to fill 200 bear-hunting positions by spraying musk from his anal gland on fliers posted at Cabela’s and Bass Pro Shops in Moncton.
The Gallant administration is throwing its weight behind Nugent’s planned bear penis bone empire with a hefty tax break and plans for a spinoff business manufacturing prosthetic penis bones for any bears that survive the hunt.
Recently unmuzzled environmental scientist Dr. Farina Swithens-Hogswallop acknowledged that the province’s black bear population may be experiencing an upswing, but warned against a large-scale, unrestricted harvest of bear penis bones. “It’s like the cod fishery all over again, but with bear penis bones.”
Other celebrities are following Nugent’s lead, with Jamie Oliver planning a tour to deep-fry a pileated woodpecker at every Sobeys in Atlantic Canada and a reality show starting production in St. John’s in which Martin and Charlie Sheen are left alone on an ice floe with a hammer, a bag of crack and a rookery of baby seals.