Fredericton — There was shock and terror today in New Brunswick’s capital city once people learned that the local Menchie’s had closed without warning. The store did not open for business yesterday, and the company has quietly removed the location from its official website.
Just 24 hours after the store closed its doors, there have already been several reports of suspected froyo addicts accosting children on the street, demanding gummy candies and crushed Oreos.
Mayor Brad Woodside called a press conference this morning to speak on the matter. The mayor stressed that he had not been forewarned about the closure, and that he is just as affected by the tragedy as everyone else.
“I think that it’s important for me, as the mayor of this city, to remain calm and professional in time like this,” said Woodside. “But holy shit guys, I’m seriously freaking the fuck out.”
The municipal government has announced that it would be initiating a plan to subsidize the one remaining froyo businesses in the city, Yeh!, located in Regent Mall, so that they can assure that a sufficient amount of frozen yogurt is being held on reserve, so to be given to those in need.
“Well my concern is that there isn’t enough frozen yogurt for those of us who already live here,” said concerned citizen Annie Carson. “What happens when we throw 25,000 refugees into the mix? That’s what I want to know.”
Tensions also rose once Yeh! announced that they had already sold their entire month’s supply to a single customer just two days ago. This led many to reason that somebody in the city had been informed of the closure beforehand. And so, the furious, froyo-hungry pack made its way to city hall this morning to demand that they open an immediate investigation into the case.
The crowd gasped as they flung open the doors to reveal a mass of frozen yogurt dripping out every conceivable closet, cupboard and compartment of the building. In the centre of the room stood a dumbfounded Brad Woodside, shocked by the sudden intrusion.
“W-what?” asked the mayor, caramel drizzle smeared across his lips.
The public execution is set to be held this Saturday at the Village Centre strip mall just outside of the former Menchie’s location. All are welcome.
It’s actually rather sad that this business failed. The owners had hoped it would fund their retirement. Between franchise fees, legal, inventory, they lost tens of thousands.
I see no humour in your piece.