‘The Manatee’ translates New Brunswick job ads for you

‘The Manatee’ translates New Brunswick job ads for you

New Brunswick — Struggling to figure out what employers really want in today’s cutthroat hiring world?

Job-hunting can be tough, especially in New Brunswick where opportunities are scarce. Add a long list of qualifications to meet and high levels of competition, and it can seem impossible. Use this handy guide to translate the endless list of requirements next time you’re scrolling through CareerBeacon or Indeed.ca trying to find that perfect position in New Brunswick.

  • “Looking for recent grads”: Don’t expect an annual salary above $28k
  • “Must be a self-starter”: We will offer you no help or assistance of any kind — good luck with that
  • “Pop-culture savvy”: You must be as narcissistic and reliant on celebrity advice as we are
  • “Bilingualism would be an asset”: Don’t even bother applying if you’re not fluently bilingual
  • “Looking for a problem-solver”: We have some serious problems and if you can’t solve them, we’ll blame you
  • “Must have access to own vehicle”: …and we won’t reimburse your gas money
  • “Must have a degree in journalism or a related field”: Must have a degree in journalism
  • “A positive attitude”: We don’t want anyone questioning our practices
  • “Must be passionate about administration”: We realize no one in the history of the planet has ever been passionate about administration, but if you think you are, then maybe you’re dull enough to be able to tolerate this terrible job for longer than our last employee did
  • “Some reception duties”: You’ll basically just be answering the phone and shredding documents
  • “Must be creative”: Must flatter us into thinking our ideas are creative while offering none of your own
  • “Perform other duties as required”: You’ll be making coffee, decorating the office for Christmas, covering for people when they’re sick, moving furniture — you’ll really just be the company catch-all of unwanted tasks
  • “Ability to work flexible hours”: Your social life is cancelled until further notice
  • “Extensive general knowledge”: Attendance at work trivia nights is mandatory
  • “Capable of working under time constraints”: We value quantity over quality
  • “Excellent organizational skills”: You’ll be cleaning up our messes
  • “Calm under pressure”: The last person in this position had a breakdown and we can’t be dealing with that again
  • “Salary based on experience”: You’ll be hired at our base rate and will never qualify for a raise
  • “Experience dealing with difficult customers”: Hopefully you can take a lot of abuse
  • “Must be willing to relocate”: Start packing for Bathurst
  • “Outstanding multitasking abilities”: We should be hiring 5 people for this job, but that’s not in the budget
  • “Must have excellent computer skills”: We don’t have an IT department
  • “Highly motivated”: You should be desperate enough for cash that you’ll put up with anything
  • “Five or more years of related experience”: You must have been searching for work for about a decade and be willing to settle for far less than you’re worth
  • “Be eager to join our growing team”: Our turnover rate is 100 percent
  • “We’re a new company”: We offer no benefits
  • “This is a contract position with the possibility of extension”: Just start filling out your EI papers now
  • “Only qualified candidates will be contacted”: You will not be contacted

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