Update: Fredericton roundabout to become figure 8 circuit

Update: Fredericton roundabout to become figure 8 circuit

Fredericton — The capital city’s recently opened traffic circle has been revealed to be part of a larger plan to reduce the number of drivers on Fredericton roads. Documents leaked to The Manatee reveal that the traffic circle is the first half of a larger, figure-8-shaped installation common in demolition derby races.

Although current roundabout driving rules seem clear, they would change greatly with the addition of the second circle.

“Basically, before you make any turn, you have to complete a full figure 8 through the 2 circles,” commented City of Fredericton traffic engineer Brooke McKinley. “If you can manage to get through that clusterfuck without getting t-boned, you’ve earned the right to stay on our roads.”

The dual-circle system is in response to both the increasing number of drivers on Fredericton roads, as well as the questionable skill of many of those drivers — both of which have contributed to an overall negative motoring experience in the city. “Instead of spending on city-wide infrastructure, better mass transit or educating drivers, we figured we would just install another roundabout and cull the weakest drivers,” said McKinley.

Some drivers were understandably concerned, such as resident Josh King who raised concerns about the legality of such an installation, as well as questions about the ethics of turning part of a public highway into 24/7 demolition derby.

However, city officials argue they’ve taken all the necessary precautions. “We’ve taken this project very seriously, and have gone as far as to include high fencing, bleachers and heavy equipment used to remove burned-out husks of cars into the final plan, just like other racetracks,” said Coun. Steve Branch.

Others are more open to the idea, such as Hanwell resident David Hill. “There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like ploughing my F-350 into the side of some college kid flying through a red light on their phone,” said Hill. “People just don’t realize their bad driving habits are dangerous, so I think this figure 8 will be a great learning experience for them.”

Local repair shops are also excited for the new roundabouts, expecting an increase in both body repair work as well as upgrade jobs, including push bars, roll cages, wheel spikes and steel-plate armour. “It really is good for the economy, driving all this demand for local jobs,” said local shop owner Alex Stone.

The figure 8 roundabout is set to open next September.

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