Fredericton — For those who want to put away their smartphones and engage with one another with a board game, there is Unplugged: A Board Games Café. For those who wish to take a break from their screens and work with their hands, there is the Clay Café. Now, for those who wish to pull the i.v. of modern medical treatment out of their arm and get back to the basics, there is Fredericton’s latest throwback location: the Neolithic Clinic.
The Neolithic Clinic was started several months ago by Caroline Burnett, who wanted to “capture the feeling” of medicine from the Middle Ages. “I’m just a girl with an 13th-century mind, living in the 21st century,” Burnett said with a laugh.
The clinic specializes in medicine that has been discredited, debunked or strongly discouraged over the past 500 years.
“What I like about it is its all-natural, organic treatment. No radiation, machines or chemicals,” frequent patient Michele Dubois said sluggishly through crusted, puss-filled lips.
Treatments offered by the clinic include trepanning, flogging, spell-casting, bladder blocking, clysters, needle eye-surgery, cauterization, prayer and medical astrology.
“Leeching and bloodletting are among our most popular treatments,” said Burnett. “Former methadone patients and alcoholics swear by its dizzying effects.”
Just last week, the clinic signed on Mah’leggah Ebbabah, an authentic wizard/witch-doctor who had spent the past 4 years wandering the Sahara desert, drinking his own urine and making vigorous love to cacti, which is the witch-doctor equivalent to attending a prestigious medical school.
“AAHHHHHHH lalalalaal OH! AH,” exclaimed Dr. Ebbabah, before tossing some herbs in the air and dancing joyously.
Unfortunately, the clinic’s treatment is not yet covered by Medicare, so for now, patients may have to pay for it out of pocket; Burnett assures The Manatee that they are currently working with the Government of Canada to rectify this. In the meantime, she says they’re doing everything they can to keep the care efficient and affordable.
“We’re trying our very best to provide authentic medieval medical care to those who need it most, but it’s getting difficult — at this rate, by the time we get federal recognition we’ll have caught up to modern medicine.”
The Neolithic Clinic is open 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday. Closed on the Sabbath.
Medieval medicine’s answer to everything that ails you: leeches and blood draining. As many if not more people dies from the treatment then the ailment. Thank a fictitious deity that we still don’t live in the dark (or middle) ages.