Renous Boutique offers stunning fashions handcrafted by high-profile criminals

Fredericton — Woven into the fabric of downtown Fredericton, the Renous Boutique offers a splendid array of modern fashions at rock-bottom prices. How is it so affordable? Through a creative form of slave labour.

“When we see what goes on in the sweatshops in Calcutta, it’s hard not to be inspired,” stated Atlantic Institution official Todd Robinson. “We’ve got an amazing untapped resource right here in the Institution. At this very moment, a gang of talented inmates are designing a magnificent spring and summer lineup that’s simply to die for.”

RenousRobinson feels strongly about the quality of the garments coming out of the penitentiary. “We’ve discovered that violent offenders are the most skilled labourers. Their needle and stitching techniques set them head and shoulders above drunk drivers, or people who illegally download movies from the Internet.”

Despite the risk of getting “shived” or “made somebody’s bitch,” Manatee reporters ventured inside the penitentiary to speak with an inmate currently working in the fashion program.

Renowned arsonist Edward Murphy finds inspiration from within. “The only thing free about me is my imagination,” mused Murphy. “I base most of my designs upon fond memories of the show Fashion Television — Jeanne Beker is the light at the end of my tunnel.”

Business at Renous Boutique is booming, and profit margins are high. “I’ve never had so much financial freedom — it’s really a dream come true,” claimed store owner Sherry Blanchard. “The designer denim housecoats are flying off the shelves, and the ‘his and her’ orange jumpsuit line is our top seller.”

Fredericton university student Jamie White had the following to say about the jailbird fashions: “People only buy that shit because it’s cheap. Just the thought of wearing something embroidered by someone like Alan Legere gives me the willies.”

Blanchard insists there is a major business opportunity here. “Forget wasting the environment with fracking, the real money is in utilizing our skilled prison population for the good of New Brunswick. Someone should start a prison bakery to provide food for schools — just keep an eye on the cakes and regularly scan them for tools and stabbing weapons.”