New Brunswick — The great minds at Tim Hortons have come together to hatch their most innovative marketing ploy to date: the double-double suppository pill.
“We lost so many customers after we imposed the mandatory tipping rule last week, we knew we had to win them back with some interesting new products,” said Tim Hortons representative Carolyn Poley during a Friday morning press conference at the Tims location in Marysville, New Brunswick.
“A couple days ago we rolled out the double-double chocolate-free coffee bar. That obviously didn’t go over well because it tastes like crap. Which really got us to thinking…” Poley trailed off, and suddenly unveiled a large poster depicting their latest coffee replacement: a suppository.
“Hate the taste of Tims coffee? No time for your double-double in the morning? Well, shove it up your ass!”
Seeing reporters’ disgusted faces, Poley continued.
“Hear me out! This suppository contains two creams, two sugars, and a ‘buttload’ — pardon the pun — of caffeine. It dissolves in seconds. It’s the next quickest thing to injecting our coffee directly into your veins.
“Our customers’ biggest complaint — besides literally everything about their Tim Hortons experience — is having to wait, and their morning time crunch. And they say staff frig up their orders more often than not, but this is something even our employees would have a hard time messing up. It’s a prepackaged pill that’s simply handed to the customer. No muss, no fuss. Well, not on our end, anyway.”
“Oh god, now THAT is nasty!” exclaimed Tims patron Gerry Ingram, who was nibbling a limp egg-like substance he’d peeled off a lukewarm English muffin coated in processed cheese. “Who would put this garbage in their body?! And are you supposed to buy it, then go wait in the bathroom line to…you know…use it?”
“Makes no difference what you do with it!” Poley retorted. “You can munch them like candy for all we care. But be warned that it’s not been tested yet and might make you sick.”
Ingram shrugged, then ambled over to the counter to buy one.
“It’s just $2.25 per suppository. No reason to be ‘butthurt’ about that price, eh?” Poley added with a wink.