Toys ‘R’ Us backs out of bankruptcy, rebrands with sex toys

Toys ‘R’ Us backs out of bankruptcy, rebrands with sex toys

Fredericton — Toys “R” Us is back and bolder than ever after deciding to revoke the auction of its brand and turn over a new leaf with the inclusion of sex toys.

“We’re calling it our ‘second coming’ — no pun intended,” said CEO Dave Brandon. “While still retaining the regular sale of toys for children, we’ve decided to include toys for adults, too. It’s true that our initial decision to auction away the company was primarily financial, but it would be a lie to say the leaders of the company weren’t also a little bored.

“Frankly, we’re a frisky bunch.”

As with Babies “R” Us, divisions of the stores will be redeveloped for the inclusion of their newest partition: Lovers “R” Us.

“To make room,” said Brandon, “we’re taking out all the board games. At least until Fortnite collaborates with Monopoly.”

“I honestly can’t believe it,” said Brad Thorne, standing outside the Fredericton Toys “R” Us, checking over his shoulder to make sure his wife and children were out of sight. “My kids have been busting my balls for six years over that store, and every time I go in I have to pretend to care about the latest ‘must-have’ toy. Now it’s nice to know everyone gets what they want.

“I look at it as a win-win,” he continued, lighting a cigarette. “Also, don’t tell my wife I was out here smoking.”

Brandon said the store’s selection will extend far beyond the run-of-the-mill toys that can be acquired at any old sex shop.

“Many adults still love G.I. Joes and Barbies and their accessories. They’ve always had a place in our homes and hearts. Now they’ll be in our bedrooms, life-size. Batteries still not included.”

Critics have raised ethical concerns about keeping such adult-oriented toys near children. Toys “R” Us, however, claims that Lovers “R” Us will be segregated with bead-curtains and scented candles. Newly hired manager and self-proclaimed sex-toy expert Joseph Dirt claims the children won’t go past the bead curtains.

“They just won’t,” he insisted, annoyed. “Why would they? Stop bothering me about it.”

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