New Brunswick — It is such an empowering time for a select population of Canada: since Trump was inaugurated, certain Maritimers have been using their home offices in their tar-paper shacks to join the social media fight to maintain their pure culture.
New Brunswick resident Billy Allen, of the back woods off dirt road number 105, was eager to voice his excitement that racism is now indeed OK as per the American president’s example. The interview was difficult as the sound of Allen’s deep mouth-breathing proved quite distracting; we were, however, able to gather some information on his political platform.
Allen’s primary concern is that “all these immigrants” are here to take our jobs, an issue he voiced in several recent Facebook posts. His cousin/girlfriend Jan Allen was quick to confirm that many pediatricians, oncologists, surgeons and other medical professionals are stealing jobs from not only Americans, but somehow from residents of Atlantic Canada.
“And this is why our kids have to leave…no jobs left for them!” she explained. Our reporter asked whether there are in fact med schools that accept people with only their Grade 10. We are still waiting for an intelligible response to that question.
Billy’s second concern is the violence that “these people” bring. Sitting on the back of his half-ton, he chugged his Bud Light while loading his shotgun. He let our reporter know that we would have to wrap up soon as the sun was setting and we were encroaching on his prime “deer-jacking time.”
“That’s right — we ain’t allowed to be white and proud no more! We should just let the Pakis and Muslims take over…wait for them to shoot the place up.” Our reporter is unsure what Allen meant by any of this garbage.
His Facebook rants, meanwhile, have garnered Allen a lot of local support. Anyone who dares to contradict his ill-conceived opinions is swiftly told to do things to themselves that this racist group only reserves for their family reunions.
Despite this, there are social media users brave enough to try to bring reason to the table. Catherine Trimble, one vocal Trump opponent, expressed her embarrassment. “I am humiliated that these ideas come from people in my community,” she commented on a particularly nonsensical post of Allen’s. “Very sad that people still feel this way in this day and age.”
Allen and his posse immediately directed her to go find a kitten or unicorn post to make her feel better. Further suggestions included moving to a different country if Trimble “don’t like it.”