Washington, D.C. — United States President Donald Trump doubled down on new protectionist policies today by slapping new tariffs on Canadian food imports — in particular, food full of so-called “metric calories.”
The president made the statement last night in a tweet where he suggested that Canadian frozen french fries are so full of metric calories that Americans are being tricked into gluttony.
“Canada is sending us their unhealthy foods which are full of stupid metric calories!” he tweeted on Sunday. “Metric fries make us fat, no wunder we arent winning anymore. SAD! In addition to steal and aluminumnm tarriffs, the United States will add a 50% tarriff on all metric frozen french fries!! #MAGA [sic]”
Last Thursday, Trump declared new unexpected tariffs on imported goods — 25 per cent on steel and 10 per cent on aluminum. The next day he defended the move in a tweet saying, “trade wars are good, and easy to win.”
The new french fry tariff is expected to hit New Brunswick’s McCain Foods particularly hard. McCain’s is the largest manufacturer of frozen potato products in the world.
“Honestly, we don’t really know what to make of it,” said McCain spokesperson Margot Frites. “This tweet and the proposed tariff itself make no sense. With all due respect, it seems like more bullshit that he just pulled out of his big butt.”
This morning, an unnamed White House insider said now that Hope Hicks has resigned, the president is prone to maintaining a diet mostly made up of the deep-fried delicacy.
“Hope was the only one who could keep him away from the fries,” said the confidential source close to the president. “Since last week, he’s probably eaten about 25 pounds of them.
“As far as we can tell, the tariff is to punish fries for being delicious.”