Fredericton — With less than two weeks before “Fresh Week” (what many students have taken to calling Frosh Week because of all the “fresh meat” on campus) the administration of Fredericton’s two universities think they have found a way to end sexual violence for good.
University of New Brunswick and St. Thomas University are making sexual violence prevention a priority this school year with new policies, including a half-week alcohol ban for all freshmen.
John Coleman, a spokesperson for STU, says that it’s about putting “the fear of God” into new students entering residence, thus ending sexual violence for good — something that the Catholic institute has always hoped to do with their officially sponsored keg parties and pub crawls.
“We might have missed the mark in the past,” said Coleman, “but no more. We’re implementing a half-week alcohol ban during Fresh Week when only new students are on campus. Half a week; that’s like, three whole days, maybe four, depending on how apathetic our orientation leaders are. It’ll put the message out there that we’re taking sexual violence seriously for a change. We’re not fucking around anymore and the students won’t be either… y’know, in a sexually violent way.”
During the 2015-16 school year there were five formal reports of sexual assault at UNB, three at STU, and many more that went unreported.
“We say it will end, because that’s a good headline,” said Coleman, “and this half-week alcohol ban… brilliant stuff, really makes it look like we mean business. But, really, sexual violence is one of those things that will always be there. When you have 600 horny straight-outta high school students coming onto campus, sexual violence is like a force of nature, a freshmen tradition, amirite?”
STU will also host an event for students discussing the sexual ethics, with topics including: “Consent and maybe some other shit if there’s time,” said Coleman. “But let’s face it, after three days of no alcohol, Friday is going to roll around and those kids are gonna be rearin’-n’-tearin’ to get their drink on.”
Coleman added that both campuses might have an on-site showing of some sexual assault documentary that’s apparently “really informative” and will “definitely settle this whole sexual violence thing for good.”