New Brunswick — The Higgs government unveiled new protocols for mask-wearing in the Picture Province today that will require anyone deemed ugly to wear a mask everywhere — including outside — beginning immediately.
“The reason for this initiative is two-fold, really,” Higgs explained to reporters. “One, it helps combat the spread of the virus a little more than we’re doing now. Secondly, I really think if we’re covering the faces of our uglies in the province, people will enjoy it more here — I mean everything is better without so many uglies around, right?”
Until now, outdoor mask-wearing was only required in the Moncton and Campbellton areas, as Zones 1 and 5 were moved back into the “orange” phase last week.
Higgs told reporters that it was a recent trip to Moncton that sparked his interest in the new mask mandate.
“I was there on Thursday and was just really impressed with the lack of ugly people around,” he cheered. “Usually Moncton has at least a few really terrible-looking people there because of all the smoking and whatnot. Anyhow, it was really nice and just made me think of the wonders mandatory masks could do for places like Saint John and St. Stephen — not to mention all of our really rural places.”
Reactions were mostly positive around the province, with some championing the premier’s decision and proclaiming it a “game changer.”
“I think it’s just a wonderful idea,” cheered Kyle Feldman of Fredericton. “The fewer ugly people I have to see, the better. I think it’ll do wonders for our tourism, too. People will come from all over if they know they won’t have to see ugly people everywhere like they usually do here.”
The Manatee obtained an early draft of the self-assessment tool the province will be asking the public to use to determine whether they’re ugly or not.
If you answer yes to two or more of the following questions, you should consider yourself as ugly, self-isolate when at all possible and wear a mask at all times when out in public:
- Does your mother say you’re handsome?
- Are you often told you have a good personality?
- Do you have one big eyebrow instead of two separate ones?
- Do you have red hair?
- Have you ever been mistaken for David Coon or Kevin Vickers?
- Did you vote PANB in the last election?
Higgs said that if people don’t abide by the self-assessment guidelines or if they aren’t honest with their answers, he’s thinking of hiring former premier Brian Gallant to act as a beauty expert for the province.
“I know I’ve bashed his policies and his ability to govern properly, but man he sure knows how to look good — you gotta give him that.”