McCain says French fries ‘the solution’ to maintaining border closures

McCain says French fries ‘the solution’ to maintaining border closures

Florenceville — “A red-letter day!” exclaimed Max Koeune, President and CEO of McCain Foods Limited, when he addressed the press today. “We at McCain Foods have always considered ourselves innovators in the potato-related food market, and today, thanks to outside the box thinking from Premier Blaine Higgs, we have the opportunity to revolutionize the potato-related construction market as well!

“Today, we laid the first fry, in what will be a golden success story on our southern border. An impenetrable wall that will rival the one Trump has promised to build to the south!”

Koeune was addressing the decision by Premier Higgs earlier this morning to look to industry, specifically Koeune’s company, McCain Foods, for a solution to controlling the ever increasing risk of Americans looking to flee their country to the relative safety of the Atlantic bubble.

“We need a wall,” Premier Higgs said in a statement to The Manatee. “Plain and simple, we need a wall, and we need it now…We don’t have enough money to build a concrete one, but we’ve got a wealth of natural resources up in Florenceville just begging to be used for something.”

In an interview, McCain’s Chief Growth & Strategy Officer Peter Dawe expanded on Koeune’s sentiment. “McCain Foods has prided ourselves in providing strength and stability to the New Brunswick economy for years, and now, we look forward to providing actual strength and stability through our revolutionary Frywall technology™! I can see it now…a symbol to the strength and ingenuity of all New Brunswickers.

“Since the COVID outbreak first started, we have been faced with what to do with millions of pounds of unused frozen French fries,” he continued. “We were looking at all sorts of ways to sell them to restaurants, schools, heck, we even looked at a McCain frozen dog food division for a while…But it turns out, dogs don’t like potatoes. We never thought about construction as a possible solution to our problem, but here we are.”

“Since Premier Higgs first contacted us a few weeks ago, our spud scientists, partnered with an elite team of local contractors, have been hard at work to design a simple, potato-based security wall that we can erect quickly along the province’s southern border. Today, we are happy to say, we have cracked the code! Frywall 2.0 uses interwoven russet potatoes that have been flash frozen to create a nearly impenetrable wall of spuds.”

Though this all seems very promising, The Manatee followed up with one of the contractors McCain had partnered with, and he had the following to say:

“The wall itself is surprisingly sturdy actually. But, it only stays that way if the fries are frozen. We all think it will hold up fine over the winter, but come spring, it’s going to come apart at the seams. Plus, every fast-food addict within a mile will be tailgating at the thing with a Coleman and a pot of oil…”

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