Boiestown — Local woman Kendra Allan has finally managed to turn every last experience and emotion she’s ever had into either a symptom of a mental illness, or an illness itself.
“I noticed that I felt, like, unreasonably sad when my grandmother died, which is how I knew I had depression,” recalled the self-professed medical expert who gets most of her information from WebMD. “And then when I had an exam at school I got so nervous that I couldn’t even focus on studying. That’s when I realized that I had generalized anxiety disorder, as well as ADHD. I got my doctor to write me a note saying that due to my conditions I could not take the test.
“And my prof gave me an A! I feel like that’s the universe telling me that I did the right thing.”
Allan claims that, even when she feels happy, it’s actually not happiness as “emotionally normal” people experience it, but rather the peak of the mania described by sufferers of bipolar disorder. “I know it’s not real happiness because when I’m not happy, I’m really not happy.
“Classic bipolar,” added the woman who took exactly one class in abnormal psychology and now goes around diagnosing herself and her friends with various ailments.
Allan is right-handed and said that, she recently noticed she always has to brush her teeth holding the toothbrush in her right hand. “I was like, whoa, is this not precisely what people with OCD do? The ritualistic, rigid behaviour patterns? Why is it that I never brush my teeth with my left hand? I Googled it to confirm my suspicion that I had OCD and was lucky enough to stumble upon a no-judgment forum where others with my same problem can share their stories.
“It was really empowering to know I’m not alone in this.”
Allan’s friend Ilana Peterson said that, as a sufferer of actual mental illness, it’s annoying to watch Allan’s constant revelations about new, dysfunctional aspects of her personality.
“She might actually have narcissistic personality disorder but other than that she’s perfectly normal,” said Peterson. “I’ve been diagnosed — by a doctor — with clinical depression and I can’t talk about it with Kendra because she just says, ‘Oh man, I know, same here,’ without even listening to me. It’s so frustrating.”
Allan’s latest self-diagnosis is an obscure phobia that she found online and was instantly drawn to because of how much attention people would give her for it.
“I have ablutophobia — it’s a fear of washing or bathing,” she stated. “Not many people know about it. My mom said it’s just that I’m too lazy to do laundry or take a shower, but hello, is that not just victim-shaming? As a neuro-typical person, there’s no way for her to understand.”