Sussex — Mrs. Dunster’s has recently been on a bit of a shopping spree, purchasing Kredl’s in Hampton and McBuns Bakery in Moncton, and now the matriarch of the donut empire is about to enter a brand-new role as CEO of CannabisNB.
Mrs. Dunster’s is already a household name in New Brunswick; for years consumers have been able pick up the family-owned company’s products at supermarkets as well as the Sussex storefront location. With the upcoming legalization of recreational marijuana, the province has been scrambling to recruit a qualified individual to run the 20 standalone pot stores that will be known as CannabisNB.
“She was made for this position,” said Finance Minister Cathy Rogers. “People trust her, they know her face, and they know how great her donuts are. I’m sure her edibles will be even better than her classic sugar crescents.
“And what a lot of people don’t realize is that, while she looks like a kindly old lady, she’s actually a cutthroat, shrewd businesswoman who’ll stamp out any competition from independent drug dealers.”
Now, Mrs. Dunster is tightening her apron strings and readying herself for the major role within the provincial government. The octogenarian said she’s thrilled to be involved in such a groundbreaking enterprise.
“Oh goodness, it’s going to be lovely,” she cooed, stooping over to remove a tray of fresh donuts from her oven. “I’ve always been a bit of a marijuana aficionado — in fact that’s how I got into the donut business. When I was younger I was always so ‘baked,’ as the kids say, and when I got the munchies I would settle for eating those awful honey crullers or Timbits from Tim Hortons.
“The taste was artificial and uninspired. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I can do better than this.’ And Mrs. Dunster’s was born.”
Unfortunately for anyone under the age of 19, the donut dispensaries will be asking for ID, and all products — including the donuts — will be under glass.
But fortunately for anyone 19 and up, a range of cool new products will be on the market.
“We’re looking into securing a patent for the world’s first smokeable donut,” said Mrs. Dunster. “It’s been proven that sugar donuts are many times more potent when inhaled than when eaten in a traditional manner. And we’ll be selling vaporizers that work for both donuts and weed.”
Mrs. Dunster added that, if any “little pot-peddling hooligans” encroach on her turf, she’ll dispose of them “the old-fashioned way.” We’re not sure what that means, but it was quite chilling coming from the tiny elderly woman.