Woman with cheery ‘welcome’ sign, festive wreath actually biggest bitch in neighbourhood

Woman with cheery ‘welcome’ sign, festive wreath actually biggest bitch in neighbourhood

Fredericton — Local woman Sherri Smith, 38, has adorned her front door and steps with an array of fall decor, including a large wooden “Welcome” sign, a cheery wicker wreath wrapped in leaves and matching garland, a basket of apples, and various pumpkins and gourds.

According to neighbours, Smith’s arrangement is unanimously viewed as the best, most tasteful fall display in the upscale Brookside subdivision. And, according to those same neighbours, Smith also happens to be the biggest b-word in the area.

“She’s so hostile — she closes the curtains any time I knock on the door, and peers out at me, just frowning,” said Beth Olsen, who lives across the street. “The other day I went over to borrow a cup of sugar for some pumpkin spice scones I was making, and she acted like I was about to break in and kill her. ‘Welcome’ my ass.”

“They have a giant house, she and her husband, but you never see anyone there except the two of them, so you know they don’t have any friends or invite people over,” said Darryl Evers, who lives directly next door to the Smiths. “I’m retired, and I’m always home and see what’s going on, so I don’t know when she had the time to decorate her whole stoop like that. She must have gone out at night to make sure she didn’t run into anyone.”

“Last Halloween,” said another neighbour, Tara Nesbit, “she had a lot of nice decorations out so I thought it would be a great spot for my kids to get one of the big chocolate bars or a can of pop. But as soon as I brought my kiddos over, she turned all the lights out in the house, and I could hear the door lock. My son rang the bell and no one came…if you hate the seasonal festivities so much, put away the ‘Welcome’ sign!”

Our reporter consulted UNB sociologist Owen Morris, who said that, according to his research and several studies, it turns out that the more curated and perfect your seasonal decor, the worse a person you tend to be.

“I’ve seen the same results over and over,” Morris said. “Usually, the nicest, friendliest, most welcoming people have either hardly any, or inexpensive ‘tacky’ decorations celebrating the changing seasons. The biggest bitches, by contrast, accumulate the most expensive, matching stuff from Home Sense or Winners. Oh, and that’s another thing — these people never support local businesses.”

We attempted to interview Smith, but she would not reply to our inquiries. At press time, she was spotted adding a large rustic milk jug with artisanal corn stalks to her display.


Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.