Your guide to what’s open and closed on New Brunswick Day

Your guide to what’s open and closed on New Brunswick Day

With New Brunswick Day celebrations kicking off across the province, it can be hard to keep track of what stores and services will be affected by the holiday.

To keep you up to date, here is your guide to what is open and closed during the holiday:

Retail and Groceries

—All major businesses will be closed for the day on Monday, except the one you work for, where you will be expected to put in overtime.

—Irving’s Circle K locations are expected to remain open at their usual hours, but they’ll only be selling those $4 boiled eggs.

—Cannabis NB will be closed, so you’ll probably need to send a few apologetic texts to your old dealer on the North End.

—NB Liquor’s St. Andrews location will be open for 15 minutes between 2:12 and 2:28 p.m. Monday. That is, if you can get past the lions.

—Value Village will remain open, but the items are cursed and will result in your untimely, though deliciously ironic, demise.

Government Offices, Public Services

—Just because it’s New Brunswick Day doesn’t mean you can disobey the law. Police will be on duty all 24 hours. After 9 p.m., though, they’ll probably get a little “loose,” after a drink or two.

—The libraries will remain open, so if you can’t find a public bathroom, there is always the musical biography section.

—The majority of the province’s traffic lights will out of sync, or otherwise generally incorrect.

—Residents are free to take a stroll through Odell Park to admire the flowers, water fountains and drunk teenagers boning in the bushes.

—The town of Richibucto will not be admitting any outside visitors. Consider that a public service.

— All of the hospitals’ medical support systems will be temporarily turned off as a symbolic environmental gesture in support of energy conservation.

—On a similar note, NB Power will drop service intermittently throughout the day, just for the hell of it.

—Blaine Higgs will yield the premiership to a beaver for the afternoon. A referendum will be held Tuesday to determine who is best suited to retain the position.

Galleries and Museums:

—There will be free admission to Saint John’s New Brunswick Museum throughout the day, but the tour guides are allowed to lie to you.

—Beaverbrook Art Gallery will be open to the public, but all paintings will be replaced with hardcore pornography and Bazooka Joe comics.

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