New Brunswick — After admitting their part in a bread price-fixing scandal, food and pharmacy company Loblaw has offered $25 gift cards to their customers as a form of compensation. In a written statement issued over this past weekend, however, the company clarified that the card does not apply to all services on their properties.
“Despite all reports to the contrary, we here confirm that the gift cards will not be accepted by our stores’ resident prostitutes,” the statement read, much to the disappointment of horny customers.
“All I ever buy is milk, Lucky Charms, Kraft Dinner and Pizza Pops,” said 34-year-old pathetic person Darron McFawn. “What am I going to do with the other 5$?”
The primary argument the hookers have for not accepting the tender is a technical one.
“I’ve got nothing to swipe it into,” said longtime prostitute Abigail Whoozaskin, motioning with her hand. “Well, nothing magnetized, anyway.”
But that’s not the only reason. Loblaw also outlined in their statement that the company was not able to reach an equitable agreement with the hookers over the matter prior to the legal deadline.
The Manatee spoke briefly with the hooker union leader, “Sugar Sam,” about their policy not to honour the certificate.
“A pimp can’t be looking fresh off no goddamn Shoppers’ money,” he said, picking at his gold tooth and adjusting his wide-brimmed hat. “Shiiiiit — I need some of them Costco dollars, knowwhaimean? Ha Hah!”
For those especially hard-up, Loblaw’s lawyers suggest using the gift card to purchase prescription opioids, which remain an acceptable currency for most escort services.