5 election-triggering scenarios to watch for in N.B.

5 election-triggering scenarios to watch for in N.B.

Fredericton — While the New Brunswick Legislature clusterfuck is still managing to stay viable, an early election might be unavoidable in 2020.

The Tories hold power with 21 seats propped up by the kooky People’s Alliance. The Liberals have 20 seats, the granola Greens have three seats, and two vacant seats are ripe for by-elections. Realistically, the whole shitstorm could fall apart at any moment.

Here are five things to watch for in 2020 that could trigger an early election:

  1. Kris Austin wants people to stop caring about what he thinks: Sure, holding the balance of power in a government after winning only 3 seats and 12.6 per cent of the popular vote is a once-in-a-lifetime lucky fluke. But, being in the fishbowl 24/7 can be exhausting. Austin may trigger an early election for some moronic reason and lose this niche. His fringe party’s membership of chronically aggrieved white anglophone boomers will become politically irrelevant once again. Mr. Austin, CoR Party calling on line one.
  2. New Brunswick NDP makes a miraculous comeback and surges in public support: Ha ha, no just kidding. Sorry, we couldn’t resist. Can you imagine? Us either. Anyway, moving on…
  3. Mactaquac Dam collapses early and wipes out Fredericton: While NB Power may believe they have years before the crumbling dam finally falls apart, saying NB Power has been wrong before is an understatement. If it does fall apart, a tsunami wave will wipe out tens of thousands, devastate the capital region and wash the legislature down the river to Saint John. When it comes to a gradual stop beside the refinery, a snap election will be called.
  4. Kevin Vickers and David Coon get into a fist fight: Badass Liberal party leader Kevin Vickers doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass, especially some pinko socialist like David Coon. And, Coon can only hack so much Liberal Party bullshit before he totally loses it and breaks out his signature “windmill” roundhouse punches. If the Liberals or Greens win both by-elections, these two spry but grouchy 63-year-olds will duke it out over control of the ideological left — the winner triggers a boss-battle election with Higgs.
  5. Official Languages Commissioner finally enslaves Anglophone New Brunswick: Sure, everyone thought it was some wild right-wing conspiracy theory. But, when the Official Languages Commissioner finally reveals her Acadian army of stormtroopers who steal all of the anglophone jobs and forces everyone to learn a second language (*GASP*), the resulting uprising will spark a prolonged civil war that ends when the Alpine lager dries up. After that, an election will be called — it’s incidental at that point, but whatever.

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