Atlantic Canada — With a new craze sweeping the nation that sees engaged couples, mostly millennials, seek personal sponsorships to help pay for some of their upcoming nuptials, The Manatee decided to conduct a survey to find out how parents around Atlantic Canada felt about this new trend.
“Absolutely disgusting,” scoffed Mike Edwards, as he cleared his throat loudly and spit to relieve his chronic smoker’s cough.
The father of two has lived in New Glasgow his entire life and doesn’t believe in deodorant. “If my angel Tiffany told me that her dress was going to be tinted in that awful pale green colour that Sobeys uses I think I’d be sick. And if Darren were to float up to the ceremony in a big Blue Canoe I’d just be so ashamed. Although if he were marrying a girl I might be able to get over it…my god I’m worried about that one…”
“Greedy little bastards!” yelled Thomas White of St. John’s, father of one. “When I got married it cost about $1,000. I borrowed a suit, set up shop in the backyard and then we all went down the Legion for a real bender. Man, those were the days.
“I really don’t know how kids these days got so screwed up; they’re all so stupid like my Troy and don’t know a damn thing about money.” White then hopped into his $70,000 Chevy Silverado, which he financed with $0 down over 7 years, and sped off to the nearest Orangestore to buy a couple lotto tickets for this week’s draw, something he’s done faithfully for the past 35 years.
“Disown them? I’d figgin’ shoot them!” said Tammy MacDonald of Coxheath. The mother of four, who doesn’t drive when it snows, was adamant that she’s raised her children to know better. “Us Capers EARN our keep. If any of my kids wanted a big fancy wedding they sure as hell wouldn’t get a dime from me. A little hard work never hurt anyone and kids these days just seem to be getting lazier and lazier.”
MacDonald quickly dismissed herself because she had to make it to the bank before it closed. “This E.I. cheque isn’t gonna cash itself!”
Editor’s note: If you are interested incorporating a branded Manatee top hat into your wedding ceremony we’d be pleased to provide them to you free of charge (subject to a non-refundable deposit of $50 per hat, shipping extra).