Quispamsis — After several days of intense searching, Kennebecasis Valley Regional Police are holding out little hope of locating Blaine Higgs’ moustache alive and well.
At this time, the moustache — also the former deputy leader of the provincial Progressive Conservative party — has been missing for more than two weeks, and he is presumed to be dead.
Police efforts are now focussing on locating any remains that might explain what happened to the dynamic and affable lip hair, and they are not ruling out foul play.
The moustache, known by the nickname “Little Blaine,” has been a close adviser to Tory Leader Blaine Higgs throughout his political career. Many credit Little Blaine with the winning strategy that led to Higgs’ Tory leadership victory last October. Not long after winning the Tory leadership, Higgs named Little Blaine as deputy leader of the party.
While he once openly praised his follicle friend, now Higgs is tight-lipped about Little Blaine’s whereabouts. “How should I know where he is?” shrugged Higgs gruffly. “He’s just a guy that worked for me. He made a lot of enemies since last October, so anyone could have had a grudge against him.
“I think the power went to his head a little bit,” Higgs explained. “He even recruited Dominic Cardy into the party leadership… I mean, what the frick happened there? Anyways, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him for weeks now.”
This morning, the Fredericton Police released a statement saying follicle remains were found in the drain of Higgs’ office washroom. Police are examining the potential evidence now to see if the DNA matches Little Blaine. While Higgs has been questioned, no arrests have yet been made.
“One thing is clear,” said the police statement, “if the DNA matches the missing moustache, Little Blaine had a very bad hair day.”