Moncton — Local CEO Allan Boone, who runs marketing firm PR Excellence Inc., says for his staff, it’s business as usual when it comes to butt-kissing — despite the social distancing rules imposed by the provincial and federal governments.
“You may not be physically near me due to coronavirus risk, but you should still be virtually planting a big smackeroo on my backside — over Zoom, I mean,” said the boss. “I still expect all my employees to suck up to me, grovel and generally continue brown-nosing, even in these times that are uncertain for all of us.”
Employees asked Boone for clarification.
“So if the ‘physical distancing’ thing is serious, does that mean I can stop laughing at your terrible jokes on conference calls, or pretending I don’t know how to do something so the department head can feel smart?” asked marketing intern Danielle Richards. “Can you get COVID-19 through being a kiss-ass? If so, am I officially allowed to stop? So many questions!”
New Brunswick Chief Medical Officer Dr. Jennifer Russell said that certain businesses are now allowed the autonomy to set their own rules, including gradually having some workers return to offices, so long as they follow physical distancing guidelines.
Administrative assistant and lifelong suckup Keri Brandt said that, for her, being able to return to the building is a huge relief.
“I’ll be the first back at the office — Mr. Boone asked for volunteers!” she gushed. “It’s worth the risk to show him how dedicated I am, to be able to bring him his coffee and buy him donuts. And to nod along and agree with everything he says in person, no matter how misguided? That’s priceless!”
“This opportunity’s too good to pass up!” agreed Ashton Avery, sales lead and relentless bootlicker. “He said we’re technically under no obligation to go back, but if I know Allan, and I think I do,” he continued with a smug chuckle, “this is just a test. It really means anyone who doesn’t go back won’t be getting a raise this quarter.”
Boone said that the employees who decide to continue working from home are expected to redouble their efforts at currying his favour.
“Stroke my ego, lay the flattery on thick — this is all fine to do from a distance. This type of essential ass-kissing can be accomplished if we all band together, while apart. I have faith in my work family!”