Halifax — After a former Vancouver-area Walmart employee blew the whistle on the corporation’s “disturbing” amount of food waste, Canadians are expressing shock about the company’s newly revealed lack of environmental ethics.
“I expected more out of Walmart,” said Halifax man Robert Hemmings. “They’ve always been a pillar of the community, and they’ve done nothing but give back. They could always be relied upon, whether it meant employing the unemployable or selling absolute crap at bargain-basement prices. Now I guess I’ll be boycotting them… until they have a really good sale on, anyways.”
“I feel so disillusioned,” said Stewiacke native Cheryl Miller. “As soon as Walmart opened here, I became a regular customer; it was nice to have a cheap, one-stop alternative to those countless mom-and-pop type stores cluttering our downtown. Here I was shopping at Walmart to do a favour to the environment, and I find out they just toss all their extra, perfectly edible food instead of feeding the community. I guess I’ll finally have to get a Costco membership.”
“This is worse than the time I found out H&M doesn’t actually care about women’s issues,” said Shelburne woman Kara Marshall, “but instead is only interested in the bottom line and capitalizing on women’s insecurities. At least Walmart always seemed to put feminism first. Or like… I haven’t yet seen any evidence to the contrary.”
“Walmart is — or was — my favourite store because it’s a ‘judgement-free zone,'” said Antigonish man Dan Jardine, who was waiting in line at the Walmart checkout with 24 bottles of Pepsi and 16 Hungry Man dinners. “You can walk in wearing pajama pants and looking like a slob and the greeters will welcome you like you’re part of the Walmart family. Now I don’t know what to believe. Can someone send me an article to tell me what stance I should take next?”
Canadian Walmart CEO Reese Nesbit said the worldwide corporation is doing “everything it can” to resolve the issue, short of correcting their many social and environmental blunders. “But come on, of course we’re going to throw shit out rather than risk lawsuits from people getting sick on spoiled food,” he said. “We’re a capitalist corporation, for god’s sake. What on earth led people to believe we cared?!”