New Brunswick — Halloween is here again, and that means it’s time to eat a bunch of the best treat ever: Kerr’s Molasses Kisses. The cement-like candy can stick to fillings and rip them out, according to dental professionals — but 9 in 10 of those dentists say that that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying them.
“They’re so good, and good for business, so I say what the hell? Eat a load of ’em. Give them out to kids, bring them to your co-workers — why not, really?” said dentist Adrian Fillmore. “Me and nine of my dentist friends had a Halloween party on the weekend and all but one of us agreed that they’re the bomb. And like, of course Todd would disagree. Todd’s a loser. No one likes him.”
Some people like Todd don’t love this candy, but those people’s opinions don’t matter so we didn’t talk to any of them. Instead, The Manatee interviewed CBC’s Terry Seguin, who really, really likes candy kisses. To a weird degree.
“Oh my sweet baby Jesus these things are soooooo good!” exclaimed the normally subdued Seguin. “I just want to take them home and be alone with them. But I’m stuck here at the office doing radio shows. At least I get to talk about candy kisses on the air.
“Say…Do you have a moment to speak with me about the joy of Kerr’s Molasses Kisses?” he cooed, edging closer to our reporter.
Seguin then smiled, revealing a gruesome row of rotted, molasses-covered teeth. Sufficiently creeped out, we left CBC’s office and resumed the interview with that dentist, Dr. Fillmore.
“So like I was saying, they’re simply the best candy,” Fillmore went on. “I give them out at my office with toothbrushes and dental floss. It doesn’t even need to be Halloween — Kerr’s Kisses have no expiration date, they could probably survive World War 3. They’ll outlive us all.”
Local parents have for decades been giving Kerr’s Kisses to their children.
“It cements their jaws together so I can finally get some peace and quiet,” said Kelly Warren, mother of three. “Then I can tune in to the radio and hear what Terry’s on about today. It’s just a win-win for everyone involved.”
Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.