Children to shelf elf: ‘Snitches get stitches’

Children to shelf elf: ‘Snitches get stitches’

Saint John — He knows if you’ve been bad or good, but Santa’s helpers better watch out. Local children are sending a clear message to his watchful elves in their households: report back to Santa on them at your own risk.

“Look, I’ve been waiting all year to get an Xbox One for Christmas,” confided 8-year-old Milledgeville resident Xavier Voyou. “I realize that’s a big gift, and I’ve got one shot to get this done. Let’s just say the Elf on the Shelf is not going to mess this up for me; read into that whatever you want.”

Started in 2005, the Elf on the Shelf is a relatively recent Christmas phenomenon. An elf takes up residence in the houses of children between Black Friday and Christmas. Each evening, the stuffed elf comes to life, uses magic to travel to the North Pole to report to Santa on the child’s behaviour, and returns to the child’s home before morning to resume surveillance.

“Where do these shelf elves come from anyways?” questioned 7-year-old Emily Mechant. “What kind of crap job is being an inanimate snoop in a person’s house for 15 hours each day? Did these elves wash out of the toy-making business, and end up as slave labour in exchange for broken candy canes?

“I really don’t like being watched every single moment of every single day until Christmas,” said Mechant. “If this wasn’t working in the parents’ favour, it would be wholly illegal. They are totally in on it. What’s next… putting up a ‘Baby Jesus Always Sees Us’ to report back to God too?”

“I’ve already touched the elf multiple times and it didn’t affect his magic at all. So, I guess I’m going to have to take more extreme measures,” concluded Voyou. “Is the elf’s magic strong enough for it to come back to life if it’s ripped into 5 pieces, put in a garbage bag and buried underneath the shed? I don’t know, but I’m so far down on the naughty list at this point that I’ve got nothing to lose.

“If he wants to have a go at me, well… let’s dance, mother-elfer.”

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