Washington D.C. — In an unprecedented move that has scientists puzzled and the Secret Service reeling, the climate of planet Earth has withdrawn from U.S. president Donald Trump.
Now, as the president is kept alive by golden tanks of the most luxurious oxygen that money can buy, scientists are working feverishly to make the American respirate again.
“I’ve never seen anything like it!” marvelled climate scientist Pare Isacord. “It’s as though the bio-systems of the Earth said, ‘Screw this guy in particular,’ and just formed a vacuum around him. Of course that’s impossible in theory, but there it is. Remarkable!”
Although not feasible by any known scientific means, it appears that the climate surrounding Donald Trump is reacting to his Thursday announcement that the United States is pulling out of the 2015 Paris climate agreement. The United States’ departure from the landmark 190-nation agreement to reduce Earth-warming gases has received worldwide condemnation from several countries, business leaders and now apparently the planet itself.
Trump greeted this new crisis of his presidency with the same incredulous bluster for which he’s become known. “No politician in history has been treated worse by the planet’s climate than me,” he bemoaned breathily through his respirator mask like Darth Vader.
“Nobody knew the climate could be so complicated.”