Conservatives welcome Kris Austin in effort to appeal to more awful people

Conservatives welcome Kris Austin in effort to appeal to more awful people

New Brunswick — In a surprise announcement Tuesday afternoon, Kris Austin, leader of the province’s People Alliance Party, is disbanding the Alliance to join the Progressive Conservatives. 

The move comes hot off the heels of Austin doing absolutely nothing for the last year while collecting a paycheque as the MLA for the Fredericton-Grand Lake riding, and is expected to make the Conservative Party more appealing to a large group of New Brunswickers who have really terrible opinions when it comes to politics.

“We were finding that our party wasn’t appealing to an awful enough demographic,” explained Premier Blaine Higgs while meeting with reporters. “And we’ve been well-known for that exact thing throughout our history, and I felt that lately we’ve been losing our identity a little bit. And that’s a market that the Alliance had cornered, for sure.”

Higgs made the announcement with Austin and the only other Alliance MLA, Michelle Conroy, and explained to reporters why the switch was in the works for the past few weeks.

“Kris is kind of an ignorant dummy,” continued Higgs. “So it took a little longer than anticipated for him to understand our position and why it made most sense for him to cross over. It didn’t help that we were offering the information in French and English, because we are a bilingual province — turns out he was throwing everything away when he saw the French correspondence.”

Austin admitted to The Manatee that he did in fact throw out all communication from Higgs’s people once he saw that some it was available in French.

“Duality is a complete waste of time and resources,” shouted Austin while throwing away his purple tie. “I’m not wasting my time reading that gobbly-gook. The mere fact that the premier wasted paper in issuing everything in both languages was nothing less than insulting.

“So, after I threw all of that stuff away, to prove my point about being wasteful, I called Mr. Higgs and talked to him like a normal New Brunswicker, in English, and we worked out a deal.”

When our reporter pressed Austin on what made him want to abandon the party he helped create, he explained that it would be beneficial for him and his voters in the long run.

“Ever since we got rid of the two licence plates here, we haven’t really done anything of substance. So it was becoming extremely clear that I needed to do something newsworthy to bring attention to myself and this was really the easiest way to do that. The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is how to make people forget about that whole ‘be the change’ bs I spewed a few years back.”

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