Los Angeles — In what some are calling a shallow tax scam à la Burger King, it was announced that Disney would be purchasing the province of New Brunswick for an incredible $2.5 billion.
The acquisition will include nearly every city within the province, with the sole exception of Minto.
“What’s wrong with Minto?” asked Mayor Donald Gould, the only person who wouldn’t have at least three answers to that question.
These assets will include the land itself, the government, as well as any famous landmarks.
“I’m incredibly excited,” said Brian Gallant. “I’ve always thought of myself as sort of the ‘Mark Hamill’ of the province. So maybe they’ll bring me back after 40 years, too.”
It’s uncertain what exactly the media conglomerate plans to do with the province. Early speculators have theorized that they may just plow the land in its entirety to make room for a large green-screen studio lot to house their many blockbuster film projects. Or, perhaps, they may finally open that David Adams Richards theme park that was proposed several years ago.
Some ideas circulating around the internet are much more colorful. For instance, Maggie Katz, a writer for the popular film site JoBlo, wrote that Disney can probably treat New Brunswick just like every other major property they own. Meaning, of course, taking everything that works about the province and running it into the ground.
“All I can say,” she wrote, “is we can expect to see a lot more Hopewell Rocks popping up around the province. In back yards, and such. They’ll be everywhere. You’ll be sick of looking at them.”
Some believe that, as outsiders, “The Mouse” doesn’t truly understand what makes New Brunswick what it is, citing some of their proposed changes, such as “fixing” the Reversing Falls, and expanding Java Moose — which nobody wants.
But, mainly, people are worried that it will restrict freedom in the province — especially freedom of speech. Many believe that, after this deal goes through, any publication trying to criticize the province will get sued or bought out because of Disney’s long history of BEING ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC ALL OF THE TIME, HO HO!