Moncton — Do you find the drive between Moncton and Fredericton to be long and hard? Well, that’s what she said! The provincial government has heard citizens’ complaints and are erecting billboard-sized TVs along that stretch, playing all nine seasons of The Office on a constant loop, 24/7.
“That stretch of highway is, frankly, suicide-inducing. Someone had to do something about it,” said project head Harry Davidson. “The TVs will be placed the right distance so that if you’re going the speed limit, drivers and passengers will be able to read the subtitles and laugh along with Michael, Jim, Dwight, Pam and the gang. The entire way home!”
A few naysayers have posited that the constant display of the popular comedy will be a distraction for drivers who are already prone to texting or nodding off on the uneventful highway.
“I’m not sure about this…” said Susan Allen of Riverview. “I hate that drive, of course, and would rather never see my family in Fredericton again than do it, but it seems pretty risky. People will be so into the ‘dinner party’ episode they’ll miss deer jumping right out in front of their cars.
“On second thought…there are definitely worse ways to go,” she added, after a few seconds of consideration.
“The great thing is that everyone has seen every episode a hundred times, but somehow the show is still entertaining — if anything it’ll keep people awake and looking out their windows instead of down at their phones,” countered Davidson. “And it’ll placate family members in the car who otherwise would have been at each other’s throats for two hours.”
Most New Brunswickers are thrilled by the news.
“Do I think it’s a good idea?” asked long-haul trucker Ken Smith. “Absolutely I do.”
“Thank god — that commute sucks so hard that usually when my boss asks me to do it, I lie and say I have a dentist appointment, then go hang out in a pub for the day,” said Frederictonian Pete Olsen. “Lately he’s been kind of suspsicious so I just said it’s a new dentist…his name is…Crentist. He’s far.”
We asked Premier Blaine Higgs about the financial feasability of all these televisions and the labour costs required to put them up.
Higgs seemed to think about it for a moment, then a worried look spread slowly across his face.
“I…Declare…Bankruptcy!!!” he cried.
Drat. Will only be able to get half a show travelling from Mccreadys. Maybe I’ll drive the speed limit and catch it all.