Moncton — It was announced today in a memo sent to the staff of Dr. Georges-L.-Dumont hospital that, due to overcrowding, the largest francophone hospital in New Brunswick would be referring all of its current patients to WebMD.com.
“I can assure you that Dr. Web is exceedingly qualified for a doctor who doesn’t actually exist,” said the hospital’s medical director Dr. Marcus Durand. “Her medical expertise far outweighs that of other fictional doctors such as Dr. Strange, Dr. Dolittle, and George Clooney.
“Most of whom are quacks, quite frankly,” he added, lighting a second cigarette off of the butt of his first.
WebMD is a website started in 1996 as an online resource for information pertaining to human health and well-being. It is regularly updated by accredited medical professionals, online trolls and auspicious pharmaceutical companies.
Since this mass referral disproportionately affects the province’s francophone community, one would assume that the move would find a harsh critic in those responsible for Acadian affairs. This, however, is not the case.
“Nah, man. I’m totally cool with it,” said Official Languages Commissioner Katherine d’Entremont. “All you gotta do is press the ‘translate this page’ thing in Google, and voila! The shit’s in french. That’s bilingual as fuck, bro. It satisfies all my requirements.”
Many patients, including 42-year-old David Leddon, have also found that using WebMD has certain advantages over traditional doctors.
“I was receiving chemo treatment for late-stage lymphoma for several months before being referred to WebMD,” said Leddon, “but, when I imput my symptoms, I found out that I didn’t have cancer at all…”
Here, Leddon’s wife Carol grabbed his hand and smiled lovingly at her husband.
“..I was pregnant!” he cried excitedly, before descending into an aggressive coughing fit.