Saint John — After recent articles about people speeding through Saint John’s Bayside Drive school zone, many drivers have come forward to explain their side of the story.
The radar speed sign was set up after complaints of people driving upwards of 70 km/hr in the school zone during school hours, when the speed limit is only 30 km/hr.
“If there’s one easy way to make us cops look good, it’s by catching speeders in school zones. Everyone can get behind that,” explained Saint John Police spokesperson Sgt. James Furlotte. “Lord knows we need good press, what with the Oland trial fiasco, among other things…” Furlotte trailed off, looking into the distance, with his mouth twitching.
“But in this particular zone people were already going so fast that not even our boys in blue could catch up to them to hand out tickets. It’s crazy!”
One such driver was spotted and approached by a Manatee reporter — who happens to be an excellent driver even in snowy conditions — and who had no problem catching up to speeders.
“Wait, what? That was a speed limit sign?” asked a perplexed Dale Montgomery, Jr., who flew past the sign at an impressive 82 km/hr. “Shit, I thought we were trying to break the record of the person in front of us or something.
The sucker ahead of me only hit 65, and I sure as hell beat him by a few,” guffawed Montgomery Jr., who sported a NASCAR jacket and hat.
Another such driver explained the many speedsters’ perspectives on the schoolchildren who are allegedly in danger.
“‘Am I worried about the children?’ You mean my audience? No, they love it. The kids all stand there and cheer for whoever goes fastest. It’s great!” exclaimed Greta Turnwood, whose top speed was a respectable 74 km/hr Monday morning.
“My coworkers and I all try to crush each other’s speeds during the morning commute. We drive really fast and take a cellphone photo of our speed while driving to prove our records. So far nobody can beat me.”
Bayside Middle School Principal Pete Lourdon admitted that despite the danger the speeders cause the students, he and his staff have developed a grudging respect for the fast drivers.
“Obviously the kids come first. And their safety is our top priority. But there are days when you’re just tired, you’ve been around bratty kids all day, and you look out the window and see these free spirits driving off into the sunset, as fast as they want, nothing tying them down…”
Lourdon sighed contentedly while looking out his office window at the road.
“It’s days like those that I wish I had the balls to fly past that sign myself.”