Elementary kids will use calculators to learn basic math

Elementary kids will use calculators to learn basic math

Fredericton — Following the dramatic change proposed in French immersion instruction, Education Minister Bill Hogan announced today that they are rolling out the new curriculum principles to other school subjects.

Starting next September, children will use calculators to learn basic math skills including addition, subtraction and those other two.

Hogan says if the schools are able to “half-ass French immersion,” then there many other opportunities where this principle can save the government money.

“We set the bar way too high before,” explained Hogan. “Very few children were successful with French immersion in the past because we had the goal of producing bilingual adults who were fluent in both spoken and written French.

Câlice! What were we thinking?” said Hogan, slapping his forehead with the palm of his hand. “I mean, what are most English people going to use French for anyways? Asking for directions in Quebec? Well, I suppose they’ll need to ask, because they won’t be able to read the road signs…

“Anyways, we got to thinking about our shitty math scores. If we stopped being so ‘hoity-toity’ about our educational standards, then we can really cut down on some of this wasted classroom time.

“Like for example, when is a kid not going to have access to a calculator? They don’t need to be ‘fluent,’ most will just need to know how to pay for their 2-4 at the check-out.”

“Sheesh, quit wasting time teaching math the old way and give those kids a Casio! Better yet, let them use the smartphone that their parents already gave them. I mean, every tot has access to one, amirite?”

Hogan says that there’s lots of opportunity to roll out similar innovations in other areas. Some of these include:

  • Instead of playing sports during gym, children will now watch Sportsdesk and bitch about the Maple Leafs. Why bother? These kids ain’t goin’ pro!
  • Instead of explaining how chemical reactions work, teachers will just pour a bunch of cleaners into the toilet and “see what happens.”
  • Instead of learning Shakespeare, children will watch Shakespeare in Love… Gwyneth won an Oscar for it, goddammit!
  • Instead of learning writing, children will use ChatGPT to write their papers…I mean keep using ChatGPT. No change actually.
  • Instead of solving difficult problems with critical thinking, children will now just make shit up as they go — like the government.

“Nothing changes for French kids though. We still expect them to be fluent in English,” concluded Hogan.

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