Fredericton — There was a great deal of excitement earlier this week when the Fredericton Police Force announced that it would be adding a $150,000 drone to its ranks to aid in all future operations.
They were far less enthusiastic on Wednesday, however, after it was revealed that the device would be replacing all human officers on the force effective immediately.
“Good policing requires empathy — which is something a hunk of metal and plastic can never truly have,” Marvin Castle, one of the officers laid off in the decision, told The Manatee. “You can’t charge someone for crimes against humanity when you, yourself, are not human, can you? Just like you can’t fine someone for driving drunk without being a little tipsy yourself. Empathy is half the job.”
Despite opposition, the drone was officially launched for its first patrol on Thursday. Buzzing along the Fredericton skyline, the device spent the morning scoping out the city’s south side in search of petty crime.
Throughout the day, the drone succeeded in doing all of the duties expected of an officer, including issuing tickets, visiting schools and telling people to move along, that there was nothing to see here.
The drone proved to be an adept neighbourhood watchbot, too, once even rescuing a cat helplessly stuck in a tree. When we say “rescuing,” we mean “horribly dismembering with its propeller.” But hey — it saved the pound from having to do it.
“We’re very happy with the results thus far,” said Police Commissioner Colin Donkin, the only human employee still working for the force. “We’re going to set to work straight away to improve its capabilities, including adding a 4K HD video camera, cool fire decals, and the ability to instantly determine a perpetrator’s race.”
What purpose would recognizing a suspect’s race serve?
“What? Did I say that?” he asked, with a tone of mock surprise. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that.”
In the end, however, these dreams were dashed after the drone’s second day on duty, when it was discovered that the aerial officer had been taking illegal kickbacks from an Amazon drone bringing shoddy bootleg East Coast Lifestyle (“Eat Coat Lyfewear”) sweaters into the province.
The drone was discharged from the force that very afternoon and handed over to the commissioner’s nephews, who promptly broke it trying to get a clear shot of the neighbor lady’s bathroom window.